I woke up this morning and realized that I have so much to share with the world. Why I sit on what God has given me, has been what I struggle with most days. I constantly battle with what I am really supposed to be doing. On top of being a wife, mother and brains behind the machine. It can all be so ovewhelming. When I first created this blog, I thought that I had reached the mountain top of lifes woes. I had already dealt with grief and the feelings and emotions that flow behind them. I was sure that I had finally saw what rock bottom looked and felt like. I began this blog in 2015. I hadn't even scratched the surface. Let me catch you up on whats been going on with E.
As I sit here with my legs crossed and laptop placed on bed table. I am elated to finally let the world see whats going on with me. Its been about 5 or 6 years since my last post. A few things have happened since the last time. In 2018 My husband suffered his 5th stroke in a Wal-mart parking lot. We thank god that he survived that stroke and is still bionic as always. Put a pin here, I plan to write a blog concerning my love and his health, it will come next. Back to the timeline. That same year our heat went out in our home for one of the coldest winters Michigan had seen. We thugged it though, had heaters everywhere, but God kept us. Inconventional I know, however when relying on one income, you had to do what you had to do. 2019 I got super sick around November. Ended up having bronchits, then walking pneumonia which gave me lasting asthma at 31. I hate to be one of them but I HAD COVID before covid was covid. lol. Then the world closed down and we were working from home, then...
June 2020, after being promised our titles and employment were secure, no matter what covid decided. My title was cancelled, and I was let go of my absolute dream job. The job I had prayed for, the one where my mother had laid out the blueprint for me. I was crushed, but the adrenaline of being able to start something of my own kept me afloat for about a month. I have never not worked. straight out of highschool I went straight to cedar point, then from there I began retail and then health care and then my final position of admin assist for a full department. I had been the breadwinner for our home for all this time and when the well dried up, there I was stuck.
I actively and openly acknowledge that I have depression. Read it again cleary I HAVE depression, depression DOES NOT have me! I want to make it very clear, I am aware of it and have developed a plan to handle it. Do not ever assume that I have chosen to do something drastic. I am clear headed. I embrace that sometimes I will be withdrawn, and I am sure it is evident. What I am trying to get to is, we put such a negative light on mental health and automatically label our loved ones as crazy or weird. No, somwhere there was a trauma, be it one or many. Learn how to give the people you love some grace. Back to the time line, 2020 depression sent me into a place that I had not yet experienced. I chose to face it head on. Some relationships changed as a result of it. Some habits formed and some I dismantled, what is growth with out change. I started a business and was doing good until about Christmas. I totally fund/funded my business from what savings I had. Lets be honest, I short changed my self, made short cuts, didnt keep up with orders and then just spiraled until I was in the dark of it all alone.
Stepping in to 2021, we were once again without heat. Space heaters and oven open again. My husband had a part time job, yet we never got to see the money from that job because it was used to pay off over draft fees from bills and other things we had used the account for. I was depressed, depressed and void of all emotion. My bed had developed a dip from me constantly being in that spot. Whats so crazy is I remember not realizing I was in a major depressed state at that time, and I would always tell myself your fine, you get up and shower everyday. Somehow that was my way of gaging what level of depression I was in. But the problem is I was showering only to get right back in bed. There is so much from that time that I will one day share, Right now we are just catching up. I noticed around March, that My husband had began to quickly lose weight. Yet he was eating. We didn't pay much attention at first, because we both were losing weight. For about two months I chalked it up to being stress on both of us. I of course encouraged my weightloss, cause babbyyyy. lol. Around May his pants started to fall off and I made appoitnments to see what was going on. pin this as well, the hospital and how my husbands care is being handeled deserves its own blog. hmph. After much persistence on my end, we were told that he may need a g-tube (feeding tube) placed to help him regain weight. Around this time Tremayne began to have breathing issues. He would completely hold his breath for more than 30 seconds without realizing it. Awake or not. I didnt get any sleep from May to September of this year, Because I was so worried and had to wake him everytime this happened. After a little of my YALL BETTER GET MY HONEY TOGETHER and more persistance... We found out why these things were happening. We will talk more about that in the next blog.
Fast forward to now, My husband has a trachestomy and g-tube. not what we expected, but God has once again rested on him and he is doing much better than he has in a while. He fat too! LOL! got a little gut growing in. Im fatting him up with my cooking and he just get a lil extra from that tube. God is good today, yall! In all that we have been through, use me as a witness to say that you may be going through but with clear conscience, GOD IS GOOD! With Tremayne's new fixtures and a pending surgery, I am still unable to fully committ to a job. I have a little side gig work from home job that has been keeping us afloat. Honestly speaking, as I have stated I am open about my status and this is currently my season of depression. The holiday time is sucky for me. I have come to accept it. This year feels different though. I can't really explain it but even though I know what my mental is doing I can clearly pin point all of my triggers. I have been analyzing, E! Working inwardly to fix and correct things mentally, has been beautiful to me. I am finally healing. I can feel it, I can see it.
I wouldn't be me if i didnt leave without a little encouragement for your day and your struggles. You may not be where I was/am but there is ALWAYS something. That we all have to deal with from day to day. Be encouraged that the rain only helps to promote and produce beauty! Be mindful to acknowledge where you went wrong, and stand on knowing that God, has never left you. Take time to find the blessings hidden within every lesson! Be encouraged that your coming out stage is here, upon you. I thank God for every broken piece, every scrape, every wound. I would not be able to tell you that he is good, if I did not have them! Joy comes from within! Make a choice to be who you are ON PURPOSE. You can only be you! Lastly, PRAYYYYYYYYY!!!! Get you a prayer life! Me and God so tight, I talk with him just as if he is sitting here with me. HE WILL HIDE YOU IN HIS SAFETY!!!! Be encouraged,boo!
THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING!!!!!!