Finding Me!

Finding me! I will most likely get super deep with this so bare with me and ride this wave. I have lost myself. about 8 months ago I suffered a major harsh bout of depression.. so harsh that I was unapproachable, uninviting and just plain old mean. I would cry at the drop of a hat and I even found myself pulling away from my children. I began to rely on "other things" (use your own imagination) to numb the feelings that I was having. Instead of seeking God's face and leaning on him. I pushed away from hearing anything that would pull me out of this funk. crazy right? I pulled away from God and from prayer and from the anointing because I knew it would pull me out of the funk I was in. That is deep! I was in this funk that I knew I didn't want to be in but at the same time I was so far deep in it that I found myself safe in that place of darkness. I would go to church and just sit and cry. I was going along with the motions of daily life, but I wasn't there. I totally detached.

It took me a total of 2 months to sort of return to normalcy, and even to this day I have not fully returned to Erica, But who I am today is totally different from who I was in August of 2016.

it is crazy how it all happened, I can remember looking at others that struggled with depression as if they were crazy to be stuck in a rut all the time. I couldn't understand for the life of me why they would allow there sorrow to weigh them down so tough! i always played it back against my own story.. I have basically lost my whole entire family, but up until august had yet to suffer from depression or anguish. I would look at people who had only lost one loved one like they were crazy for being so down in the dumps years and months after that person had passed. I hadn't gone through yet to understand. Now I do!

If you have never lost someone close to you, think of it like this.. Someone has just ripped you heart out, stomped on it, beat it, and then shoved it back in your chest all dirty and broken and beaten. Imagine how that would feel! Don't sound too good does it? Now, imagine it being done 6 times over. I wouldn't wish the pain I have endured on my worst enemy. It took me 10 years to finally mourn. Depression is real! So real that it will knock you clean off your feet.

After two months of a constant depressive state, I thought I had found the light again and was coming out of it. Sadly, I did not, I just fell into this state of totally not caring anymore.. nothing bothered me, my feeling towards EVERYTHING became numb and void. I stopped putting on my makeup, stopped caring if I was dressed professionally or not for work, I even stopped performing my duties as a wife and mother. I just stopped caring! I realized that I had stopped caring and was ok with it. To me I had finally evolved. In actuality it was not normal. Soon after the anxiety attacks starting coming and then panic attacks. ME.. ERICA??? Panic attacks??? Yes.

I have always been able to hide things, it is just apart of my nature. If something effects me I hold it until I can get to a place where I am alone to unravel. However, as of late.. Yes I said as of late, if one is brewing it comes out before I can control it. I hate being embarrassed especially by something that I feel like I should have more control of.. So I close myself up to the confinements of my room, because here no one can see me unravel. being the introvert that I am, being by myself is actually what I enjoy the most. So don't be alarmed lol.

How do you return to who you were before depression and anxiety and panic attacks? To be honest I don't think that I will. I have a new out look on life and every day is a new gift from God, to dust myself off pick up my lip and try again. I am not perfect!! Nowhere near, but because of whose I am, everyday I am new! Thank you God for making me new! Reminds me of the scripture that says "Old things have passed away.." Today January 31, 2017 is the beginning to my new beginning. I cant say that I wont fight depression again or I wont find my self low ever again, but I have learned and am learning!

If you or someone you know suffers from depression, be ever so careful how you handle them. it doesn't take much for a person to completely crumble. Love on them, Pray for them, give them the space they need. Depression is not of the mind, it is an actual illness! Many suffer from this whether clinically diagnosed or not. Be mindful and prayerful! Keep me in your prayers as I am progressing everyday! sooner than you or I can think I will claim the victory over this!

God Bless!

"Weeds in the field"

Matthew 13:24-29 Jesus told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. 25 But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. 26 When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared. 27 “The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?’ 28 “‘An enemy did this,’ he replied. “The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’ 29 “‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. 30 Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.’”

This passage of scripture digs so deep.. "Sir didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?" Where did these weeds come from? Imagine planting a beautiful flower, clearing the ground around it, laying down the finest soil and watering it daily like clockwork. Then like a thief in the night someone comes in and sprinkles dandelions all around your beautiful flower that you worked sooo hard to plant and nurture. You come back to the spot you planted your beautiful flower and find these weeds... these weeds suffocating your flower. if that ain't deep!!!

I real life I have felt the turmoil of my light being dimmed by the weeds surrounding it, and in my turmoil I turned to God to ask why? Why are you having me go through this? I took all that time to nurture that flower, I spent countless hours watering it and giving it the best soils and yet still you allowed these weeds to form around my flower!! God what am I missing? You said in your word to turn the other cheek, so I dry my eyes uproot my flower and plant it in a new spot and repeat the steps to make it gorgeous again.. Yet I get up to find it full of weeds again! God what is this!?

He then brings me back to this...

Matthew 13:13-15 This is why I speak to them in parables: “Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand. 14 In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: “‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. 15 For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.

Just because you planted the flower and watered the soil doesn't mean you are finished! The weeds are there, but you are unlike the weeds. Have you heard from God? Did he tell you how he wanted the flower sewn? Or did you go off of your own knowledge? We have ears but have not heard! In order to be separated from the weeds you have to open you heart to hear his commandments! This whole time you think you have been doing right.. lets compare it to real life. You are in church faithfully every Sunday you whisper a prayer over your food, You call on him when your in trouble, You don't cuss as much or party as often... So why are you missing the blessings you THINK you deserve?! It is because we have not heard. God said if you take 1 step He will take 2... In order to walk you must crawl and in order to crawl you must be born again.

We get so caught up in everyday life, and solving our own problems we don't take the time out to listen to what plan God has set for us to follow. For so long I have tried to figure my own life out when it isn't mine to figure out. For the longest time God has been telling me that I needed to let go of some things, in order to receive the blessings that are rightfully mine. You see I hear(d) him, but because of my own foolishness I have not listened. WOW! I have heard but I did not listen! Are you listening today?

I pray that this pricks you heart to hear, to not only hear but to listen to what God says! Lets open our hearts to listen, time is winding down.

God Bless