Finding Me!

Finding me! I will most likely get super deep with this so bare with me and ride this wave. I have lost myself. about 8 months ago I suffered a major harsh bout of depression.. so harsh that I was unapproachable, uninviting and just plain old mean. I would cry at the drop of a hat and I even found myself pulling away from my children. I began to rely on "other things" (use your own imagination) to numb the feelings that I was having. Instead of seeking God's face and leaning on him. I pushed away from hearing anything that would pull me out of this funk. crazy right? I pulled away from God and from prayer and from the anointing because I knew it would pull me out of the funk I was in. That is deep! I was in this funk that I knew I didn't want to be in but at the same time I was so far deep in it that I found myself safe in that place of darkness. I would go to church and just sit and cry. I was going along with the motions of daily life, but I wasn't there. I totally detached.

It took me a total of 2 months to sort of return to normalcy, and even to this day I have not fully returned to Erica, But who I am today is totally different from who I was in August of 2016.

it is crazy how it all happened, I can remember looking at others that struggled with depression as if they were crazy to be stuck in a rut all the time. I couldn't understand for the life of me why they would allow there sorrow to weigh them down so tough! i always played it back against my own story.. I have basically lost my whole entire family, but up until august had yet to suffer from depression or anguish. I would look at people who had only lost one loved one like they were crazy for being so down in the dumps years and months after that person had passed. I hadn't gone through yet to understand. Now I do!

If you have never lost someone close to you, think of it like this.. Someone has just ripped you heart out, stomped on it, beat it, and then shoved it back in your chest all dirty and broken and beaten. Imagine how that would feel! Don't sound too good does it? Now, imagine it being done 6 times over. I wouldn't wish the pain I have endured on my worst enemy. It took me 10 years to finally mourn. Depression is real! So real that it will knock you clean off your feet.

After two months of a constant depressive state, I thought I had found the light again and was coming out of it. Sadly, I did not, I just fell into this state of totally not caring anymore.. nothing bothered me, my feeling towards EVERYTHING became numb and void. I stopped putting on my makeup, stopped caring if I was dressed professionally or not for work, I even stopped performing my duties as a wife and mother. I just stopped caring! I realized that I had stopped caring and was ok with it. To me I had finally evolved. In actuality it was not normal. Soon after the anxiety attacks starting coming and then panic attacks. ME.. ERICA??? Panic attacks??? Yes.

I have always been able to hide things, it is just apart of my nature. If something effects me I hold it until I can get to a place where I am alone to unravel. However, as of late.. Yes I said as of late, if one is brewing it comes out before I can control it. I hate being embarrassed especially by something that I feel like I should have more control of.. So I close myself up to the confinements of my room, because here no one can see me unravel. being the introvert that I am, being by myself is actually what I enjoy the most. So don't be alarmed lol.

How do you return to who you were before depression and anxiety and panic attacks? To be honest I don't think that I will. I have a new out look on life and every day is a new gift from God, to dust myself off pick up my lip and try again. I am not perfect!! Nowhere near, but because of whose I am, everyday I am new! Thank you God for making me new! Reminds me of the scripture that says "Old things have passed away.." Today January 31, 2017 is the beginning to my new beginning. I cant say that I wont fight depression again or I wont find my self low ever again, but I have learned and am learning!

If you or someone you know suffers from depression, be ever so careful how you handle them. it doesn't take much for a person to completely crumble. Love on them, Pray for them, give them the space they need. Depression is not of the mind, it is an actual illness! Many suffer from this whether clinically diagnosed or not. Be mindful and prayerful! Keep me in your prayers as I am progressing everyday! sooner than you or I can think I will claim the victory over this!

God Bless!