Lets be honest, things happen in life that can place your mental in a terrible space. It is weird how life will throw curve balls and missiles when you least expect them. I do wish that I could see the problem before it comes, however life is not set up to show you problem cheat codes. I strive to be an upstanding human, number 1 so that I can be an example of Christ to others that I interact with. Second because I have to be an example for my children, because even when I think they are not watching; they are. I go to work everyday and come home. ON the weekend I may hang with family or just chill at home and Sundays are reserved for my time with God. I don't party or hang out and I am something like a hermit crab. Don't feel sorry for me, because trust me I am very comfortable in my shell. I said all of that to say this, MOst times I know why trials come in my life. I can see the error that I made in order to cause it. However when these boulder type problems arise I often stop to question what have I done in order to cause this, and most times I come up answer-less.
All of my life has been a struggle. To be honest I am tired of the struggle. As many know the majority of my family passed away before I turned 22 years old. Quite frankly for a long time I have bottled those feelings so that they don't defeat me. Normally this works but at the tender age of 28 the emotions I tried to hide came forward to prove that you really can't run from your problems. I learned at this late age that I was a depressed person who suffers from depression, and while I don't want to claim it, hiding from it only makes it worse. On top of my losing the majority of my family, my husband has physical ailments and I am his #1 nurse. I love it. But I hate to see him in pain or hurting. I know that he hides how he feels sometimes so that it doesn't bother me, but even when he thinks I'm not seeing, I'm seeing.
If people could take a trip through my brain, as if it were a museum you would be able to see all of the things that have my attention at any given moment. I am always thinking of my husband and how he is doing, constantly thinking and praying for my children, family members, that patient that tugged my heart strings, that bill that I can't get rid of, making sure there is heat, food, clothes, gas etc. etc. all in one sitting. I don't have time to focus on Erica and I am slight way tearing myself down. How does one focus on there self when there is so much going on around me that requires my attention?? I often have to stop myself and remember to breath, because if I'm not here then who is gonna do all of what needs to be done?? It is true I have lost a total of 43 pounds. Not because of me working out but because of stress. I'm doing to my self the very thing my mother did. WOW! Even that sentence shocked me. Listen I didn't come here to place all my problems at your feet. but more so for you to see that even though a person seems or looks put together.. sometimes they are so unraveled under neath it all, I don't want your pity cause I am strong and can endure adversity. But prayer! Prayer is what is needed. When some one asks for prayer you should always take that seriously because your prayer could be the one to help break them from what is binding them.
Today I am suffering the driest desert storm of my life! High heated winds, dirt in my eyes and no water... but the gag is soon God will open the flood gates of heaven and let his love and blessings rain down on me and my family that no umbrella, tarp, or covering will be able to block the rain. I may be sad today but I thank God for the rain that is coming. I write these blog posts to one record my feelings so that I can return back to this one day remembering the pain I feel now, but not how it felt, and 2 so that people can bare witness to how I was here, and be able to smile knowing that there is an after the storm rainbow! Any body need some rain??? God Bless
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