RECLAIMING MY TIME!

I woke up this morning and realized that I have so much to share with the world. Why I sit on what God has given me, has been what I struggle with most days. I constantly battle with what I am really supposed to be doing. On top of being a wife, mother and brains behind the machine. It can all be so ovewhelming. When I first created this blog, I thought that I had reached the mountain top of lifes woes. I had already dealt with grief and the feelings and emotions that flow behind them. I was sure that I had finally saw what rock bottom looked and felt like. I began this blog in 2015. I hadn't even scratched the surface. Let me catch you up on whats been going on with E.

As I sit here with my legs crossed and laptop placed on bed table. I am elated to finally let the world see whats going on with me. Its been about 5 or 6 years since my last post. A few things have happened since the last time. In 2018 My husband suffered his 5th stroke in a Wal-mart parking lot. We thank god that he survived that stroke and is still bionic as always. Put a pin here, I plan to write a blog concerning my love and his health, it will come next. Back to the timeline. That same year our heat went out in our home for one of the coldest winters Michigan had seen. We thugged it though, had heaters everywhere, but God kept us. Inconventional I know, however when relying on one income, you had to do what you had to do. 2019 I got super sick around November. Ended up having bronchits, then walking pneumonia which gave me lasting asthma at 31. I hate to be one of them but I HAD COVID before covid was covid. lol. Then the world closed down and we were working from home, then...

June 2020, after being promised our titles and employment were secure, no matter what covid decided. My title was cancelled, and I was let go of my absolute dream job. The job I had prayed for, the one where my mother had laid out the blueprint for me. I was crushed, but the adrenaline of being able to start something of my own kept me afloat for about a month. I have never not worked. straight out of highschool I went straight to cedar point, then from there I began retail and then health care and then my final position of admin assist for a full department. I had been the breadwinner for our home for all this time and when the well dried up, there I was stuck.

I actively and openly acknowledge that I have depression. Read it again cleary I HAVE depression, depression DOES NOT have me! I want to make it very clear, I am aware of it and have developed a plan to handle it. Do not ever assume that I have chosen to do something drastic. I am clear headed. I embrace that sometimes I will be withdrawn, and I am sure it is evident. What I am trying to get to is, we put such a negative light on mental health and automatically label our loved ones as crazy or weird. No, somwhere there was a trauma, be it one or many. Learn how to give the people you love some grace. Back to the time line, 2020 depression sent me into a place that I had not yet experienced. I chose to face it head on. Some relationships changed as a result of it. Some habits formed and some I dismantled, what is growth with out change. I started a business and was doing good until about Christmas. I totally fund/funded my business from what savings I had. Lets be honest, I short changed my self, made short cuts, didnt keep up with orders and then just spiraled until I was in the dark of it all alone.

Stepping in to 2021, we were once again without heat. Space heaters and oven open again. My husband had a part time job, yet we never got to see the money from that job because it was used to pay off over draft fees from bills and other things we had used the account for. I was depressed, depressed and void of all emotion. My bed had developed a dip from me constantly being in that spot. Whats so crazy is I remember not realizing I was in a major depressed state at that time, and I would always tell myself your fine, you get up and shower everyday. Somehow that was my way of gaging what level of depression I was in. But the problem is I was showering only to get right back in bed. There is so much from that time that I will one day share, Right now we are just catching up. I noticed around March, that My husband had began to quickly lose weight. Yet he was eating. We didn't pay much attention at first, because we both were losing weight. For about two months I chalked it up to being stress on both of us. I of course encouraged my weightloss, cause babbyyyy. lol. Around May his pants started to fall off and I made appoitnments to see what was going on. pin this as well, the hospital and how my husbands care is being handeled deserves its own blog. hmph. After much persistence on my end, we were told that he may need a g-tube (feeding tube) placed to help him regain weight. Around this time Tremayne began to have breathing issues. He would completely hold his breath for more than 30 seconds without realizing it. Awake or not. I didnt get any sleep from May to September of this year, Because I was so worried and had to wake him everytime this happened. After a little of my YALL BETTER GET MY HONEY TOGETHER and more persistance... We found out why these things were happening. We will talk more about that in the next blog.

Fast forward to now, My husband has a trachestomy and g-tube. not what we expected, but God has once again rested on him and he is doing much better than he has in a while. He fat too! LOL! got a little gut growing in. Im fatting him up with my cooking and he just get a lil extra from that tube. God is good today, yall! In all that we have been through, use me as a witness to say that you may be going through but with clear conscience, GOD IS GOOD! With Tremayne's new fixtures and a pending surgery, I am still unable to fully committ to a job. I have a little side gig work from home job that has been keeping us afloat. Honestly speaking, as I have stated I am open about my status and this is currently my season of depression. The holiday time is sucky for me. I have come to accept it. This year feels different though. I can't really explain it but even though I know what my mental is doing I can clearly pin point all of my triggers. I have been analyzing, E! Working inwardly to fix and correct things mentally, has been beautiful to me. I am finally healing. I can feel it, I can see it.

I wouldn't be me if i didnt leave without a little encouragement for your day and your struggles. You may not be where I was/am but there is ALWAYS something. That we all have to deal with from day to day. Be encouraged that the rain only helps to promote and produce beauty! Be mindful to acknowledge where you went wrong, and stand on knowing that God, has never left you. Take time to find the blessings hidden within every lesson! Be encouraged that your coming out stage is here, upon you. I thank God for every broken piece, every scrape, every wound. I would not be able to tell you that he is good, if I did not have them! Joy comes from within! Make a choice to be who you are ON PURPOSE. You can only be you! Lastly, PRAYYYYYYYYY!!!! Get you a prayer life! Me and God so tight, I talk with him just as if he is sitting here with me. HE WILL HIDE YOU IN HIS SAFETY!!!! Be encouraged,boo!

THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING!!!!!!

Drowning emotions

Lets be honest, things happen in life that can place your mental in a terrible space. It is weird how life will throw curve balls and missiles when you least expect them. I do wish that I could see the problem before it comes, however life is not set up to show you problem cheat codes. I strive to be an upstanding human, number 1 so that I can be an example of Christ to others that I interact with. Second because I have to be an example for my children, because even when I think they are not watching; they are. I go to work everyday and come home. ON the weekend I may hang with family or just chill at home and Sundays are reserved for my time with God. I don't party or hang out and I am something like a hermit crab. Don't feel sorry for me, because trust me I am very comfortable in my shell. I said all of that to say this, MOst times I know why trials come in my life. I can see the error that I made in order to cause it. However when these boulder type problems arise I often stop to question what have I done in order to cause this, and most times I come up answer-less.

All of my life has been a struggle. To be honest I am tired of the struggle. As many know the majority of my family passed away before I turned 22 years old. Quite frankly for a long time I have bottled those feelings so that they don't defeat me. Normally this works but at the tender age of 28 the emotions I tried to hide came forward to prove that you really can't run from your problems. I learned at this late age that I was a depressed person who suffers from depression, and while I don't want to claim it, hiding from it only makes it worse. On top of my losing the majority of my family, my husband has physical ailments and I am his #1 nurse. I love it. But I hate to see him in pain or hurting. I know that he hides how he feels sometimes so that it doesn't bother me, but even when he thinks I'm not seeing, I'm seeing.

If people could take a trip through my brain, as if it were a museum you would be able to see all of the things that have my attention at any given moment. I am always thinking of my husband and how he is doing, constantly thinking and praying for my children, family members, that patient that tugged my heart strings, that bill that I can't get rid of, making sure there is heat, food, clothes, gas etc. etc. all in one sitting. I don't have time to focus on Erica and I am slight way tearing myself down. How does one focus on there self when there is so much going on around me that requires my attention?? I often have to stop myself and remember to breath, because if I'm not here then who is gonna do all of what needs to be done?? It is true I have lost a total of 43 pounds. Not because of me working out but because of stress. I'm doing to my self the very thing my mother did. WOW! Even that sentence shocked me. Listen I didn't come here to place all my problems at your feet. but more so for you to see that even though a person seems or looks put together.. sometimes they are so unraveled under neath it all, I don't want your pity cause I am strong and can endure adversity. But prayer! Prayer is what is needed. When some one asks for prayer you should always take that seriously because your prayer could be the one to help break them from what is binding them.

Today I am suffering the driest desert storm of my life! High heated winds, dirt in my eyes and no water... but the gag is soon God will open the flood gates of heaven and let his love and blessings rain down on me and my family that no umbrella, tarp, or covering will be able to block the rain. I may be sad today but I thank God for the rain that is coming. I write these blog posts to one record my feelings so that I can return back to this one day remembering the pain I feel now, but not how it felt, and 2 so that people can bare witness to how I was here, and be able to smile knowing that there is an after the storm rainbow! Any body need some rain??? God Bless

A Mother's Love

Imagine waking up one day, realizing that you needed your hair done. You call your friend around the corner and ask them could they hook you up, after a yes reply you began to get dressed for the day. The night before your mother wasn't feeling the greatest but she still got up to go to rehearsal at the church and prepare the choir for Sunday service. Back to you, your getting dressed and about to head out and your mother calls to you; "Erica, come here! Did you make sure your bed was made?" You answer yes. Then she calls again as your headed out the door; "Erica, is the lawnmower off?" You say to yourself really mom.. but you still go and check. It is off, you tell her yes then began to walk out the door again. She calls you for a third time, by now your a little perturbed as any pre teen would be; so you huff and puff back in her room for her to say these last three words... "Erica, I love you!" and then you feel bad and you tell her with the most sincerity "I love you too, mommy!" You look into her eyes and then the next thing you know... she has fallen over and is in a full death snore.

Panic, would obviously be your first reaction and then horror follows as you watch your mother fallen over in this snore that you have NEVER experienced in your 12 year old life. At first you think she is playing because that is the type of relationship you all have but then you see the cigarette burning her arm and then... you lose it. Nothing else matters after that, your hearing is blocked off your vision is tunneled to her. Her, the woman who carried you, who held your hand, who held your big tail every night while watching lifetime, the woman who was your very best friend! Your vision is stuck on her as they place the IV and get her on the stretcher and get her out the house. Could this be a dream?!

For you this may have been a dream, but for me this was my reality!" My Mommy, Jacquelyn P. Robinson passed away August 29, 2000. I really thank God for keeping me. Keeping me in my right mind, I may act different some days but I am in my right mind. People ask; "How do you deal, How do you cope?" I put one foot in front of the other and I keep walking. Mother's day is NEVER easy for me, In fact I try to avoid it like the plague. However, I now have children of my own so I can not ignore the day.

God has truly blessed me. not only did he fill the void with my aunt taking on the responsibility as my mother but I was also blessed with a father (My uncle). My aunt has been my rock, will always be my rock. and I am eternally grateful for her. never was I treated different, never was I introduced less than her daughter and NEVER had I ever had to question her love. Aunty Cynthia, I love you from the pit of my heart and I bless God for you and the teachings I received/receiving. You are an amazing women of God and I pray to mirror you. Here's to both my Mother's on this Mother's day weekend! I love and honor you both!!! Happy Mother's day to all the mothers, aunts, grandmothers, and anyone filling a mother's void! I salute you!!!!

"The Older I get... The wiser I become"

The Older I get the wiser I've become

Remember when you were 18 and you knew EVERYTHING?! Like, no one could tell you nothing cause you were "grown" now. Or maybe your reading this and your in that I'm grown and got life all figured out stage.. Let me be the one to tell you, you don't!

You can not imagine how many times I have bumped my head along the way, thinking I knew it all. I can remember being 19 years old had a good job was taking as much overtime as I could get, just working working working. I swore up and down nobody could tell me nothing. Not even my parents! I wasn't trying to hear any of them bits of wisdom they were throwing at me, cause I had life all figured out! lol yeah ok.. I went looking for my own place, thought I was the whip ok! Had my own car, had a lil boo thang.. I was grown bruh!!!! HA!

I found a place, or so I thought. It was a rinky dink apartment in a house that housed 4 different apartments. I thought I had found a gold mine. 3 bedrooms 2 bath, it had a fire place all for 550 dollars a month! I was so excited!!! Called my Aunt and was so excited, I sold her the dream story so I knew I was a shoe in for this place. The things is though.. I had 2 parents that cared! So, my aunt went to look at the place, (didnt tell me until after she went) and went off! HAHA She was like no way am I allowing you to live in that filthy place! See I hadn't told her that nothing in the place worked properly or that it had all those "rooms" but the whole apartment could fit into my closet now. I had left out all the important info to keep her from stopping me from being grown! I knew that if she knew what I knew that it wasn't gone happen.. and it didn't! I was pissed, because I couldn't figure out for the life of me how she felt she could make that decision for me when I was grown!!! Listen I can not make this stuff up, not even a month after me not getting the place it caught fire and burnt up due to someone using a grill in doors to keep warm because they had no electricity.

I gave that story as an example because had I not listened to her, had I not took heed to what she was telling me.. I could either be dead from that fire or out on my butt for not listening.

I have been through alot in 29 years. Alot. more than the average person, and that is not to brag about where I have been or come from. In fact I would rather keep that to myself, but who am I helping by not speaking my truth?! No one. It took me a minute to take off my "grown ear muffs" and actually listen to those who had been through things before me. I take everyday as another opportunity to learn. You gotta come out of that mind frame of I'm grown especially if you are still making child like decisions. It is also true that in order to learn you have to go through somethings your self. If who I am today could talk to who I was then.. I would probably choke myself. All of the bills I created for nothing, all of the wasted relationships and material things I have gone through... No way would who I am today deal with any of what I did then.

I have always been hardheaded.. gotta try stuff for myself, gotta be in control.. but the older I get the wiser I am becoming!

Let me drop some knowledge on you real fast, take off those "grown muffs" and listen to those who have gone through, been there, done that. I am not saying you have to adopt the route they took or be like them, but gain that knowledge so that when your faced with obstacles you have a few different escape plans. Major point is to SLOOOWWWW down and enjoy the life you have in front of you. Listen to your parents and the family that surrounds you, because 9 times out of 10 they only care about you! Stop assuming that you got life wrapped around your finger and it moves at your command. It doesn't! Even at 29 I am still learning! I do not have it all together, but because I am wiser I can share the mistakes I have made so that the ones I love can avoid the consequence, and gain their own wisdom.

Be Blessed

Finding Me!

Finding me! I will most likely get super deep with this so bare with me and ride this wave. I have lost myself. about 8 months ago I suffered a major harsh bout of depression.. so harsh that I was unapproachable, uninviting and just plain old mean. I would cry at the drop of a hat and I even found myself pulling away from my children. I began to rely on "other things" (use your own imagination) to numb the feelings that I was having. Instead of seeking God's face and leaning on him. I pushed away from hearing anything that would pull me out of this funk. crazy right? I pulled away from God and from prayer and from the anointing because I knew it would pull me out of the funk I was in. That is deep! I was in this funk that I knew I didn't want to be in but at the same time I was so far deep in it that I found myself safe in that place of darkness. I would go to church and just sit and cry. I was going along with the motions of daily life, but I wasn't there. I totally detached.

It took me a total of 2 months to sort of return to normalcy, and even to this day I have not fully returned to Erica, But who I am today is totally different from who I was in August of 2016.

it is crazy how it all happened, I can remember looking at others that struggled with depression as if they were crazy to be stuck in a rut all the time. I couldn't understand for the life of me why they would allow there sorrow to weigh them down so tough! i always played it back against my own story.. I have basically lost my whole entire family, but up until august had yet to suffer from depression or anguish. I would look at people who had only lost one loved one like they were crazy for being so down in the dumps years and months after that person had passed. I hadn't gone through yet to understand. Now I do!

If you have never lost someone close to you, think of it like this.. Someone has just ripped you heart out, stomped on it, beat it, and then shoved it back in your chest all dirty and broken and beaten. Imagine how that would feel! Don't sound too good does it? Now, imagine it being done 6 times over. I wouldn't wish the pain I have endured on my worst enemy. It took me 10 years to finally mourn. Depression is real! So real that it will knock you clean off your feet.

After two months of a constant depressive state, I thought I had found the light again and was coming out of it. Sadly, I did not, I just fell into this state of totally not caring anymore.. nothing bothered me, my feeling towards EVERYTHING became numb and void. I stopped putting on my makeup, stopped caring if I was dressed professionally or not for work, I even stopped performing my duties as a wife and mother. I just stopped caring! I realized that I had stopped caring and was ok with it. To me I had finally evolved. In actuality it was not normal. Soon after the anxiety attacks starting coming and then panic attacks. ME.. ERICA??? Panic attacks??? Yes.

I have always been able to hide things, it is just apart of my nature. If something effects me I hold it until I can get to a place where I am alone to unravel. However, as of late.. Yes I said as of late, if one is brewing it comes out before I can control it. I hate being embarrassed especially by something that I feel like I should have more control of.. So I close myself up to the confinements of my room, because here no one can see me unravel. being the introvert that I am, being by myself is actually what I enjoy the most. So don't be alarmed lol.

How do you return to who you were before depression and anxiety and panic attacks? To be honest I don't think that I will. I have a new out look on life and every day is a new gift from God, to dust myself off pick up my lip and try again. I am not perfect!! Nowhere near, but because of whose I am, everyday I am new! Thank you God for making me new! Reminds me of the scripture that says "Old things have passed away.." Today January 31, 2017 is the beginning to my new beginning. I cant say that I wont fight depression again or I wont find my self low ever again, but I have learned and am learning!

If you or someone you know suffers from depression, be ever so careful how you handle them. it doesn't take much for a person to completely crumble. Love on them, Pray for them, give them the space they need. Depression is not of the mind, it is an actual illness! Many suffer from this whether clinically diagnosed or not. Be mindful and prayerful! Keep me in your prayers as I am progressing everyday! sooner than you or I can think I will claim the victory over this!

God Bless!

"Weeds in the field"

Matthew 13:24-29 Jesus told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. 25 But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. 26 When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared. 27 “The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?’ 28 “‘An enemy did this,’ he replied. “The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’ 29 “‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. 30 Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.’”

This passage of scripture digs so deep.. "Sir didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?" Where did these weeds come from? Imagine planting a beautiful flower, clearing the ground around it, laying down the finest soil and watering it daily like clockwork. Then like a thief in the night someone comes in and sprinkles dandelions all around your beautiful flower that you worked sooo hard to plant and nurture. You come back to the spot you planted your beautiful flower and find these weeds... these weeds suffocating your flower. if that ain't deep!!!

I real life I have felt the turmoil of my light being dimmed by the weeds surrounding it, and in my turmoil I turned to God to ask why? Why are you having me go through this? I took all that time to nurture that flower, I spent countless hours watering it and giving it the best soils and yet still you allowed these weeds to form around my flower!! God what am I missing? You said in your word to turn the other cheek, so I dry my eyes uproot my flower and plant it in a new spot and repeat the steps to make it gorgeous again.. Yet I get up to find it full of weeds again! God what is this!?

He then brings me back to this...

Matthew 13:13-15 This is why I speak to them in parables: “Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand. 14 In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: “‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. 15 For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.

Just because you planted the flower and watered the soil doesn't mean you are finished! The weeds are there, but you are unlike the weeds. Have you heard from God? Did he tell you how he wanted the flower sewn? Or did you go off of your own knowledge? We have ears but have not heard! In order to be separated from the weeds you have to open you heart to hear his commandments! This whole time you think you have been doing right.. lets compare it to real life. You are in church faithfully every Sunday you whisper a prayer over your food, You call on him when your in trouble, You don't cuss as much or party as often... So why are you missing the blessings you THINK you deserve?! It is because we have not heard. God said if you take 1 step He will take 2... In order to walk you must crawl and in order to crawl you must be born again.

We get so caught up in everyday life, and solving our own problems we don't take the time out to listen to what plan God has set for us to follow. For so long I have tried to figure my own life out when it isn't mine to figure out. For the longest time God has been telling me that I needed to let go of some things, in order to receive the blessings that are rightfully mine. You see I hear(d) him, but because of my own foolishness I have not listened. WOW! I have heard but I did not listen! Are you listening today?

I pray that this pricks you heart to hear, to not only hear but to listen to what God says! Lets open our hearts to listen, time is winding down.

God Bless

Broken pieces

Broken pieces scattered on the floor... Pieces so broken they cant go back in form... Broken from thoughts of ill and deceit... thoughts clouded... brain filled with defeat... See, I'm broken because I let my glass slip and slip and slip... I forgot how to hold it... while it got full of things that pained me... See I am broken because I chose to hide feelings... feelings that swim in my head daily... causing me to be dizzy... causing me to forget my purpose and dreams... see, thoughts without purpose produce dreams without substance... Without My purpose what am I living for... Who am I giving for... On the outside you see warrior, strong, built tough... But on the inside she is broken and torn... Please excuse me while I find the broom and dust pan to sweep up the pieces and put me back together again... For the process seems endless and I'm just barely hanging on... But I'm hanging... Hanging on the laughter of my children... hanging on the love and caress of my Mister... hanging on to the knowledge that I will get better... Just hanging for as long as I can so that one day my broken pieces can be a lamp... A lamp unto some dark soul who just like me are just trying to remain whole... cause im broken...